Depression - Do you remember?

I eventually sent you a text message last night telling you that I would do as you wanted and move on with my life. I can now freely admit that the only reason I did this was so that I would know when you turned your mobile phone on today. The delivery report came around lunchtime and I waited but you never text me back. I pretended to myself that I didnt care but I was so hurt and angry and I promised myself that no matter what happened I would not let myself contact you again.


I kept myself busy all day. I treated myself to a new hair style and had my nails done. I went shopping for things that I didnt need and couldnt afford. I cleaned the house from top to bottom when I went home and then did the ironing. All the time my phone was in my pocket and I silently begged it to ring. It didnt. Evening came and I was in the bedroom putting away the freshly pressed laundry when our song came on the radio. Freddy Fender crooning Before the next teardrop falls. I swalowed hard and tried to stop myself from breaking into uncontrolable sobs. It was no use. I lay on the bed and cried into my pillow.Then I text you again. I told you that I loved you, that I could not live without you. Your phone was off. I lay on the bed staring at the phone for an hour or more waiting for the delivery report to flash up so that I could call you, but it didnt. I stripped naked and slipped into bed. I swallowed a sleeping tablet and waited for sleep to come. It didnt.


I remembered that you were waiting to have your land line reconnected and wondered if it was working yet. Without thinking I dialed, it rang and you answered. Why hadnt you called me?. By then the sleeping medication was taking its hold and my voice sounded funny even to my own ears. I tried to ask you if you still loved me and you said that you did. I persisted and asked if you loved me as much as you had two years earlier and again you told me that you did. I wanted so badly to believe you. In my drug induced haze I begged you to drive down to me right there and then but you said no. You asked me if I was drunk and I told you i wasnt. You told me to go to sleep that you would see me the following week and you hung up.


I was so sad that it was almost unbearable. It was like a great weight pressing on my chest and squeezing all the air out of me. All reason had gone. I called you back and was surprised when you answered. Again I asked you to drive down to me and again you refused. With no thought for my dignity or pride I kept pleading and crying like a helpless child but you were relentless. You said you needed to be on your own to deal with your depression. I promised that I would help you. We could go to the clinic, see the doctor maybe get your medication changed. I told you that I loved you unconditionally and that meant depression and all. You told me to calm down and go to sleep. You promised to call me back later on before you settled down for the night and I had no choice but to believe you.


Evening was closing in and the room was getting dark as I lay under the sheets willing sleep to come. How happy I had been when we had met. I remembered the promises you had made to me to my family to my sons. You had promised that you wuld love me and always be there for me. What had happened. I couldnt help asking how in two short years you had managed to break my heart over and over and why I kept on allowing you to do it.


Did you remember in the begining when we had our virtual lives. Do you remember the night I could not contact you. It was shortly after we had met. It was your daughters birthday and you were out for the night. I tried to text you but the message wouldnt go through. Then I tried to call you but your phone was off. I felt deserted and terribly alone. I sat in front of my computer screen. My eyes were growing heavy from crying and tiredness and then just after 2am you were there. Your name flashed up and you were in my virtual world again. I was so happy and so relieved that you had found me. You explained that your phone had died and when you realised just how upset I was you offered to drive over just to give me a good night kiss. I told you that I was fine because you were there and we said good night. I wished that night was this night.

Do you remember our first date. We went to the beach. It was Winter but the sun was shining. We chatted and held hands as we walked along the sea front. Suddenly you stopped pulled me close to you and held me so tightly that I could bearly breath
"i have been dying to do that for such a long time" you whispered into my ear and my body tingled. We strolled back towards the car. Your arm was around my shoulders and my hand was tucked snugly into the waistband of your jeans. Do you remember sitting on the seat while you smoked a cigarette. We were chatting like we had known each other forever. We were so happy that day.

Do you remember where we went to have our first real kiss. It was the underground car park in the building that you were working in. I was so nervous as I had never done anything like this before in all my adult life but you were equally scared. Your heart was beating so loudly I could feel it pounding in your chest when i rested my head against you. And then we kissed. I had not been kissed like that for so many years. Long deep kisses tasting and exploring every inch of each other. We wanted each other so badly but you said we should wait. You said that you did not want the first time we made love to be rushed in the front seat of your car. It was going to be special and eventually it was.

I kept remembering the good times trying to block out the heartache that they eventually brought. Sleep was still far away. In my heart I knew that you would not telephone me and some tiny piece of my irrational mind also told me that you would not answer if I phoned you. I swallowed another sleeping tablet and just before sleep I asked myself how much more could I take.